What I wanted was to talk...., What I got was a relationship!!!!

Ok so yesterday was the Marching Band Festival. We rode their in an RV of all things while the other people were crammed in a Car. It was pretty kewl. So we got their and I froze my toes off. Although it was really kewl to see what the other schools had that we needed, such as capes!!!! It started off as a headache and the usual me had. I planned on taking an Excedrin when I was at home before I left but, I only remembered when I picked up my neighbor that I forgot to take one for the ,at the time, small headache. Than of course the music made the little headache get bigger and the motor home made the stomach get sick. On the edge of thinking the best thing to do would die, I thought again. I could not take one more bad thing going on with me but, it kept coming. Of all things stuff started to stop. I kept saying that everything would be alright. I was wrong. I snapped. Of all people at my best friend.The things said were retched. Not between us but, all that I had to say. She said nothing but, took in the pain I gave. It was excruciating after I thought about what I said and after realizing I hurt person I have with me all the time the most. I could not believe it. I just got worse when pressure of being asked out was put on me. We were on the RV when it was said that everyone was getting a girlfriend tonight but, he wasn't. Than ANNA had to say something such as "I know someone who would go out with you. She is in this room" That's when it was started. The conversation was brought up about the previous Question that everyone was waiting for me to answer for 2 weeks. Would I go out with him???? It was a hard decision. It started with the question why I would not. I don't remember what I said but, it made the next thing that he said "the suspense is killing me" I don't know if he has yet to realize it but, it is more suspense for the person answering the question, the nerves and everything else. The pros the cons. It is a frustrating thing life. I made the one person I cared about the most in the world very upset and I told I guy "yes" and I have not talked to him once today. One of the cons. Only 1 class together and no time to be with in 4 inches of one another. It sucks I would have to say with a variety of other things. Not knowing if I like the person and not wanting to talk to them because, awkwardness overrides the respect for being courageous and having fun. The fact is my fear is loosing a friend. Having everything end all at once. The close relationship as more than friends I can end without a tear but, when it comes to ending a friendship that was closer than anything....., I can't take the pain that goes with that. The depression the forms and the hatred that builds. It hurts. I can't deal with that and everyday seeing someone I would rather have. Thinking of what I am. If I am hurt in anyway by what someone has done...., I hurt them 10x worse. That does not make me feel good.

I loved talking to him. The endless hours that made me laugh. The chances I got because, of the opportunities I took. I enjoyed every moment that I got to say hi, tell a joke, make fun of each other and enjoy every time one another smiled. It is great. Now things are odd. The things I wanted to laugh about are no longer funny. I am not one for relationships I suppose. I don't every know what do or say. How to start a conversation or how to be myself around people. I need help. Lord may things get better. I have run to a dilemma and, I am stuck!!!! Everyday I let my emotions out by letting out a cry. The truth is I want someone to hug me when I am crying but, I don't know what do when someone I hurt is crying. All I wanted was to talk to him. Like him and get to know him. Next thing I know I am going out with him and have not talked to him since the day we talked without being "together"

All I wanted was that talk that made me think of him, I did not exactly want him yet.